She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
