Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
