Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
