I swear she didn't look like that last week.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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