the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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