; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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