finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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