if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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