I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
