Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
