Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
