Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
