I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
