Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
