It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
