dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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