Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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