i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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