It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
