Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
