I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
