I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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