I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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