Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
