I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Are we still banned from the library?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
