Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
