I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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