I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
