My Higher Power is John Stamos
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
