I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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