I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
