Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
