i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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