I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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