I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
