The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
