Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
