He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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