I just made out with a guy for $7.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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