I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
