I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
