Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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