Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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