so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
