The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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