Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
