And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
