she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Banned from zoo.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.