I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
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Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
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You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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