I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.