Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
