Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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