I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
