turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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