So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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