I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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