textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
