I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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