So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
